Again? Really?

AKA...Open ass, insert foot.
AKA...How to lose a job in two steps or less.

I was seriously considering not posting about this at all. It's an intensely private and messed up situation. But I think some introspection and a little light shining should help everyone understand better. And maybe make me feel a little less worthless.

I lost my job yesterday. To make a long story short I fell asleep at the wheel. It's been a very long, confusing couple of months. Those who know me know about the personal stuff. Those that don't...well, there's a reason for that. It was personal. During this time I really lost the taste for my work. It wasn't heading anywhere. All of the managers in my company were complaining about making less money then last year. (How much less? It was 5 figures in my case alone.) I should have had the where with all to just be done with it months ago. Step down, save myself some trouble....but no.

Let's rewind a bit to give you some perspective. I took the job two years ago with no real experience in retail sales. Sure, I had owned my own business...but that was easy. I had worked at Walmart, but I was a shelf stocker. I had worked Rent To Own...but that was a looooong time ago. After I took the entry level job, the manager stepped down. He was then removed. (You'll see a trend here.) I took the job LITERALLY because no one else wanted it. It was a dumb move on my part, and an act of desperation on the part of my district manager at the time.
I was hired, never properly trained, then put in the driver's seat. Good times.

I was scared the whole time. Scared of failing. Scared of being fired. The whole thing. I had a decent staff, but not great. They were for the most part kids and young adults who either didn't need the money, or didn't see it as much better then fast food work. Little did I know how true that last part was. So...there I was. In charge. Oh boy.

Soon after I was hired, I got a new DM. And a few months later...another. Then...another. You get the idea. I spent more time readjusting to new coaching styles and new expectations then I did training. I was still never properly trained. I to this day have never taken the check out quiz that new hires have to take to be even capable of doing the job....and I was in charge.

So, flash forward to now. Life had been rough, and like most people, I let things slide. I stopped paying attention. I am terrible with conflict anyway, so anytime anyone asked me for anything, I said YES. Time off? Yes. Call in sick? Yes. Leave early? Yes. Price match Walmart for the tenth time this week? Yes. It became to easy to just let go. And to make it worse... no one ever looked twice at anything. Had there been some sort of checks and balances in place, I would have done one of two things.

1. Pulled my head out and done the job as expected.
2. Stepped down and probably been fired anyway. (See above.)

At some point yesterday, some angry men sat me down. They accused me of a lot of things I was either not aware of, or unaware at least of the magnitude of which it had been happening.
And I was let go. I was threatened. I was told I did things that I was not capable of doing. I was asked repeatedly to explain how I did this thing. It was pretty surreal. I had never been talked to about this issue before. I had never been written up about this issue before. Until they showed up...I wasn't even sure it was an issue. Am I just dumb? That's a distinct possibility.

The hardship on my family will be pretty bad. I'm sorry for that. And I'm also sorry for not having a better sense of responsibility. Sometimes, life gives you lemons and you throw them out the window at oncoming cars.

So...here I am. Again. At the beginning. With no path ahead. (You'll see a trend here, as well.)