I'm really a terrible adult. I hate pretty much everything about it. Bills, jobs, responsibility. Oh, I know what you're going to say...."who doesn't?" A whole lot of people, that's who.

Or maybe that's just the state of being human. I think we are always on the outside looking in. The only real perspective we have on anything is our own. I'd be lying if I told you that mine was all that special or even that broad. As an...ahem....artist, my over inflated sense of self tends to think that I see things others don't. Not true. I probably see things less because I spend way too much time in my own head. And man...what a shit hole that place can be.

I'm rambling. As usual. Let's put this back on track...

So, the whole adult thing. As a kid, I figured by 36 I would have my shit together. A career. A family. A name for myself. Checking the scorecard, I see that I have one of those things. And it's the best one. My family. The other two? Not so much.

I think as a creative person...it's had to get settled in a "career." You only ever feel like you are doing what you have to do to get by. Which is fine. Bills have to be paid. Kids have to be fed. But whatever satisfaction that doctors, or lawyers, or even fry cooks get out of what they do...well...it eludes me.

I really thought at this point I'd have it figured out. It seems that "personal life Jim" was given to much control over "Successful career oriented Jim." The two always ended up tripping over the other. Getting the chocolate in the peanut butter. And the peanut butter was chunky and past expiration. Always sacrificing the long term for the now. Always. To really bad results.

Hey...I get it. I have a house, two cars, nice things. I'm fat. I'm well cared for. I'm not some person starving on the street. But do you ever get the feeling you're like, one bad choice away from that?

Hmmm.

So, the new year is almost upon us. Every year I tell myself this one will be better. This will be the one where I stop being an asshole and do what I'm supposed to do.

So...here I go...telling myself again.

Hey, it's not all angst and self sabotage here, good friends. I have an amazing wife, who puts up with so much. I have a kid that is just unbelievable as both a person and a daughter. I have an extended family that has never let me down. Ever.
And then there's me. The only person in my life that I really don't care for. That's not me playing violins or being cute. That...is truth.

And how do you fix that? How do you learn to love yourself? I once had a teacher that I worked with through the summer. What you would consider a successful guy. Had the career, the wife, good, smart kids. You know what he told me? He said... "Just take care of yourself. First. No one else will. No one." And this was coming from a guy who was a pillar of the community. Someone who would be considered a leader. And the funny thing was? He meant it. You could tell he was trying to pass something off to me. Something he really believed.

Good advice kids. And if there's one thing I can tell about my own life...it's that I never took that advice. And I've learned there's a difference between taking care of yourself and being selfish.
I spend a lot of time being the latter. And not doing the other. And sometimes we are selfish when we think we are just being good to other people. It's still self SERVING if you do it just to make sure everyone is happy. You don't want everyone to be happy...you want everyone to not piss in your cereal. You want everyone happy so your day goes well. That's not a judgement. It's just the way it is. I don't think that makes us bad. It just makes us human.

If I die today, I don't want to be remembered for who I am now. Not by my family. Not by myself. Hopefully...THIS YEAR...

Happy Holidays.