I probably got that quote wrong by the way. The gist of it? I don't give a damn.
It's funny that at 35 I still struggle everyday to find a sense of direction. I was told
once that I am probably clinically depressed...but who isn't? Seriously...if I had a
dollar for every melancholy person I know? At least a large pizza with three toppings
and a 2 liter. At least.
My wife thinks we need a change in scenery. I tend to agree. However...where? And to
what end? There's that stupid old saying that goes "Wherever you're at...there you are."
Oh, how true that rings. I don't think finding a new town will actually help me to find a new
Jim. That suddenly with a new shitty job and new friends (um...yeah) that I will suddenly be
fulfilled in ways I wasn't before. I'm not sure that's even a worthy goal. Fulfillment. Meaning what exactly? I'll be all happy with who I am and the choices I make will be golden and every
thing will fall into place like the end of some Tom Hanks movie? Probably not.
Anywho, enough with the bellyaching. Today is my daughter's last day of 4Th grade. It's awesome
for her. She really is great. Watching her turn older has been incredible. I feel kind of bad for
her because she couldn't have gotten a more cynical father. School annoyed me then and it annoys me now. All the people you thought were going to be around forever. All the bullshit drama. All the getting in trouble....maybe that last part was just me. My dad used to tell me that
the only thing that mattered was family. That my friends would never last. I assumed he was drunk, which he probably was. But, that doesn't make it less true. I have one friend left from
those days (despite what Facebook thinks) that I have any contact with still. ONE. Not that there
was a crowd of them back then either. I have a feeling that had I gone to a bigger school I would
have been way more the outcast then I was at good ole Tri-Point.
My point? Oh, well, my point is that my poor kid has to deal with the fact that I am cynical as all get out. My wife isn't really a fan either. But that's like cancer saying it doesn't like you losing your hair from the chemo. I kid, but seriously, she hates it. How can she not? I'm like a cross between Eeyore and Doug Whiner. (Look that one up.) I tend to deal with things by being what I call proactively negative.
If things go right, I can then act pleasantly surprised. It's fun. Try it. Assume for a few days that everything sucks. And nothing is going your way. Imagine how awesome even the little victories will feel then!!! I should right a self help book. "How to Improve Your Life by Expecting the
Worst." by Jim Sprandel. What a great idea. Probably wouldn't sell though. Probably get bad reviews and everyone would think it was stupid. See how that works??? Pure gold.
Well, I'm off. Time to start some summer vacation. Hope it's as good as last year! The year that we did nothing and it was boring as hell and my personal life sucked hairy ass. See! There I go again! Someone get me a literary agent...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Now...for something completely different.
Expect more of this. I really do enjoy it. Haven't had the time or the mental ability to do it. If there is one thing I like about what's going on right now (and only one) it's that I can redefine things again. Myself. My family life. My free time. (What the hell is free time?) So...maybe it's a good thing. Winning the lottery right now would be good though.
I'm also looking into what it would take to start writing apps and developing apps for IOS. Or Android. I think there's alot of unknown talent that could use a chance to get some of their stuff out to the masses in this way. Comics on Ipad, phone, and even Android platforms will either kill the industry off or be relatively huge. I'm no programmer. But there's a million tutorials. And I have alot of free time...I guess. I would love to do it. There's one other thing I've been stewing on...but I'm going to hold that one a little closer to the vest for a bit.
I'm a creative guy. I have a lot of good ideas. I am not middle management. Time to shed the skin and be a better version of me. Something truer to who I am. Something a little less corporate. Am I just trying to make myself feel better? Who isn't?
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Again? Really?
AKA...Open ass, insert foot.
AKA...How to lose a job in two steps or less.
I was seriously considering not posting about this at all. It's an intensely private and messed up situation. But I think some introspection and a little light shining should help everyone understand better. And maybe make me feel a little less worthless.
I lost my job yesterday. To make a long story short I fell asleep at the wheel. It's been a very long, confusing couple of months. Those who know me know about the personal stuff. Those that don't...well, there's a reason for that. It was personal. During this time I really lost the taste for my work. It wasn't heading anywhere. All of the managers in my company were complaining about making less money then last year. (How much less? It was 5 figures in my case alone.) I should have had the where with all to just be done with it months ago. Step down, save myself some trouble....but no.
Let's rewind a bit to give you some perspective. I took the job two years ago with no real experience in retail sales. Sure, I had owned my own business...but that was easy. I had worked at Walmart, but I was a shelf stocker. I had worked Rent To Own...but that was a looooong time ago. After I took the entry level job, the manager stepped down. He was then removed. (You'll see a trend here.) I took the job LITERALLY because no one else wanted it. It was a dumb move on my part, and an act of desperation on the part of my district manager at the time.
I was hired, never properly trained, then put in the driver's seat. Good times.
I was scared the whole time. Scared of failing. Scared of being fired. The whole thing. I had a decent staff, but not great. They were for the most part kids and young adults who either didn't need the money, or didn't see it as much better then fast food work. Little did I know how true that last part was. So...there I was. In charge. Oh boy.
Soon after I was hired, I got a new DM. And a few months later...another. Then...another. You get the idea. I spent more time readjusting to new coaching styles and new expectations then I did training. I was still never properly trained. I to this day have never taken the check out quiz that new hires have to take to be even capable of doing the job....and I was in charge.
So, flash forward to now. Life had been rough, and like most people, I let things slide. I stopped paying attention. I am terrible with conflict anyway, so anytime anyone asked me for anything, I said YES. Time off? Yes. Call in sick? Yes. Leave early? Yes. Price match Walmart for the tenth time this week? Yes. It became to easy to just let go. And to make it worse... no one ever looked twice at anything. Had there been some sort of checks and balances in place, I would have done one of two things.
1. Pulled my head out and done the job as expected.
2. Stepped down and probably been fired anyway. (See above.)
At some point yesterday, some angry men sat me down. They accused me of a lot of things I was either not aware of, or unaware at least of the magnitude of which it had been happening.
And I was let go. I was threatened. I was told I did things that I was not capable of doing. I was asked repeatedly to explain how I did this thing. It was pretty surreal. I had never been talked to about this issue before. I had never been written up about this issue before. Until they showed up...I wasn't even sure it was an issue. Am I just dumb? That's a distinct possibility.
The hardship on my family will be pretty bad. I'm sorry for that. And I'm also sorry for not having a better sense of responsibility. Sometimes, life gives you lemons and you throw them out the window at oncoming cars.
So...here I am. Again. At the beginning. With no path ahead. (You'll see a trend here, as well.)
AKA...How to lose a job in two steps or less.
I was seriously considering not posting about this at all. It's an intensely private and messed up situation. But I think some introspection and a little light shining should help everyone understand better. And maybe make me feel a little less worthless.
I lost my job yesterday. To make a long story short I fell asleep at the wheel. It's been a very long, confusing couple of months. Those who know me know about the personal stuff. Those that don't...well, there's a reason for that. It was personal. During this time I really lost the taste for my work. It wasn't heading anywhere. All of the managers in my company were complaining about making less money then last year. (How much less? It was 5 figures in my case alone.) I should have had the where with all to just be done with it months ago. Step down, save myself some trouble....but no.
Let's rewind a bit to give you some perspective. I took the job two years ago with no real experience in retail sales. Sure, I had owned my own business...but that was easy. I had worked at Walmart, but I was a shelf stocker. I had worked Rent To Own...but that was a looooong time ago. After I took the entry level job, the manager stepped down. He was then removed. (You'll see a trend here.) I took the job LITERALLY because no one else wanted it. It was a dumb move on my part, and an act of desperation on the part of my district manager at the time.
I was hired, never properly trained, then put in the driver's seat. Good times.
I was scared the whole time. Scared of failing. Scared of being fired. The whole thing. I had a decent staff, but not great. They were for the most part kids and young adults who either didn't need the money, or didn't see it as much better then fast food work. Little did I know how true that last part was. So...there I was. In charge. Oh boy.
Soon after I was hired, I got a new DM. And a few months later...another. Then...another. You get the idea. I spent more time readjusting to new coaching styles and new expectations then I did training. I was still never properly trained. I to this day have never taken the check out quiz that new hires have to take to be even capable of doing the job....and I was in charge.
So, flash forward to now. Life had been rough, and like most people, I let things slide. I stopped paying attention. I am terrible with conflict anyway, so anytime anyone asked me for anything, I said YES. Time off? Yes. Call in sick? Yes. Leave early? Yes. Price match Walmart for the tenth time this week? Yes. It became to easy to just let go. And to make it worse... no one ever looked twice at anything. Had there been some sort of checks and balances in place, I would have done one of two things.
1. Pulled my head out and done the job as expected.
2. Stepped down and probably been fired anyway. (See above.)
At some point yesterday, some angry men sat me down. They accused me of a lot of things I was either not aware of, or unaware at least of the magnitude of which it had been happening.
And I was let go. I was threatened. I was told I did things that I was not capable of doing. I was asked repeatedly to explain how I did this thing. It was pretty surreal. I had never been talked to about this issue before. I had never been written up about this issue before. Until they showed up...I wasn't even sure it was an issue. Am I just dumb? That's a distinct possibility.
The hardship on my family will be pretty bad. I'm sorry for that. And I'm also sorry for not having a better sense of responsibility. Sometimes, life gives you lemons and you throw them out the window at oncoming cars.
So...here I am. Again. At the beginning. With no path ahead. (You'll see a trend here, as well.)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
There's something about a day off. I've been wondering what it is in my personality that loathes down time. I'm not a fan at all. Let's look at today, for example. Here's how it goes...
6:30 am- Wake up. Spend time on the computer. Wait for the kid to wake up.
7:15 am- Spend a good 15 minutes trying to get the wife out of bed. This happens everyday, not just on my days off.
8:00 am- Drop kid at school. Drive around listening to music. Usually in the country.
8:30am- Possibly hit WALMART, do some shopping.
9:00am- Get wife McDonalds breakfast, take it to her.
9:30am Clean for the next three hours.
12:30pm - Find something for the wife and I for lunch.
2:00 pm- Wife is back to work, I am killing one more hour. Literally. Why start something you know you can't finish in an hour? What the hell can you do in an hour?
3:00 pm- Pick kid up from school. Alone time officially over.
With all due respect to the family, holy shit is that boring.
Not that everyday should be filled with roadtrips and sight seeing. (I wish) But man, work your ass off so you can spend 6 hours running around doing NOTHING of substance. I'm complaining of course. I don't know.
What else is there? If McDonald's breakfasts and cleaning litterboxes is the sum of what we are...
You see where I'm going with this. No need to beat you over the head with it. Hopefully, the afterlife will be filled with roadtrips and sight seeing. Here's hoping.
6:30 am- Wake up. Spend time on the computer. Wait for the kid to wake up.
7:15 am- Spend a good 15 minutes trying to get the wife out of bed. This happens everyday, not just on my days off.
8:00 am- Drop kid at school. Drive around listening to music. Usually in the country.
8:30am- Possibly hit WALMART, do some shopping.
9:00am- Get wife McDonalds breakfast, take it to her.
9:30am Clean for the next three hours.
12:30pm - Find something for the wife and I for lunch.
2:00 pm- Wife is back to work, I am killing one more hour. Literally. Why start something you know you can't finish in an hour? What the hell can you do in an hour?
3:00 pm- Pick kid up from school. Alone time officially over.
With all due respect to the family, holy shit is that boring.
Not that everyday should be filled with roadtrips and sight seeing. (I wish) But man, work your ass off so you can spend 6 hours running around doing NOTHING of substance. I'm complaining of course. I don't know.
What else is there? If McDonald's breakfasts and cleaning litterboxes is the sum of what we are...
You see where I'm going with this. No need to beat you over the head with it. Hopefully, the afterlife will be filled with roadtrips and sight seeing. Here's hoping.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thus it begins...
I've been looking for a way to express. I've been creating more artwork, getting decent feedback.
Facebook is great, but it's about as deep as a mud puddle. Can I tell you all "What's on my mind?" Sure. But can I dig around in the box and show you the little stuff on the bottom? Not so much. Often, it will be a little suprising, maybe scary, you may get a rash. But I promise not to let it get boring.
So, join me if you wish. For a trip down memory...what have you. I don't think I've reached the age yet where I can claim a "lane." Memory path. Memory short sidewalk. Memory porch. You get the idea.
This will be totally freeform. Sometimes autobiographical, sometimes make believe, sometimes unable to be described. But it will be me.
James
11/15/09
Facebook is great, but it's about as deep as a mud puddle. Can I tell you all "What's on my mind?" Sure. But can I dig around in the box and show you the little stuff on the bottom? Not so much. Often, it will be a little suprising, maybe scary, you may get a rash. But I promise not to let it get boring.
So, join me if you wish. For a trip down memory...what have you. I don't think I've reached the age yet where I can claim a "lane." Memory path. Memory short sidewalk. Memory porch. You get the idea.
This will be totally freeform. Sometimes autobiographical, sometimes make believe, sometimes unable to be described. But it will be me.
James
11/15/09
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